Healing
by CurrentlyHyper
Summary: After a tragic suicide attempt, The Doctor tries to do what he can to get back on his feet, for Rory's sake. Eleven/Rory. Rated T for blood and potential triggers.
1. Being Saved

**A/N:**** This story might be quite triggering for some people since this story has a really depressing content, so be warned! **

Healing

Have you ever experienced death? Well I don't mean death in literal terms, I mean when you're stuck in between life and death? Emptiness, emotional numbness, like you're disconnected from reality. It feels as if you're not real but just a hollow organism without real feelings, you wonder if you're really just some goddamn machine or something like that. Sometimes I'd just simply sit and gaze at the ceiling and daydream about when life was good...Ah those were the good days, but like everything those good things had to come to an end. I kill. Everyone I love eventually gets killed and it's all my fault! I try to act like the fun, loving and adventurous fellow I make myself out to be around Amy and Rory but trying to live up to their expectations all the time kills me inside.

Or am I really dead?

"Doc-"..."Can you hear m-" I heard a faint muffled voice echoing into the ears of my unconscious body, causing my head to throb in pain. I suddenly noticed that I was lying on a particularly cold, hard surface while somebody had a firm hold of my left arm and...wait...why does it feel wet?

I struggled to open my eyes but eventually let out a slight hissing noise as soon as I felt a sharp pain in my left wrist, my eyes shot open like a bullet and I suddenly remembered what I had done.

_It was barely past midnight, I was pacing back and forth in the control room and my thoughts were racing around and around like there was no tomorrow. I cried out in agony as I gazed down at the bottom of my lower left sleeve and witnessed a dark red liquid soaking it as the minutes went by and told myself that this is for the best and that if I didn't proceed in doing this then Amy and Rory would eventually die. After all, my companions usually do once they become close to me._

_The only thing I could smell was my own blood, dripping out of my sleeve and onto the sturdy glass floor and each drop was exactly one second apart. I had thrown the blade I used to the other side of the room, into the grasp of the shadows._

_Then all of a sudden the last nine hundred-and-odd years came rushing back to me, I remembered everything I had ever done. Each story filled my mind like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle and I can honestly say that it killed me just to even think about all those who had lost their lives because of my own stupidity._

_I snapped out of it and refused to let silly little sentiment get in the way, I couldn't care less if it caused my companions to get all weepy about it...Well I could and I know how soppy those poor sods can get but it's for their own good. I'm doing this for them._

_After a couple of minutes I decided to pull my soaked sleeve down, gaze at the large gash on my blooded wrist and squeezed even harder to make the process quicker. I couldn't even notice the tears streaming down my face like the many droplets of a waterfall would, racing towards the bottom of my face like it was a competition._

_I promised myself that this time I wouldn't even bother to regenerate. Instead I just waited for the darkness to take over, to end my hurt, my future, my everything._

_Then everything went black._

My inner conscience was screaming in frustration at the fact that I'm still alive, no l'm honestly being serious here. I thought I'd done the job, but why am I still breathing?

I stared at the ceiling in confusion and until a blurred figure came into sight and leaned over my half-conscious body, probably thinking I'm off my rocker for doing what I did or something along those lines but then that figure became more clear and Rory came into sight.

"R-Rory?" I muttered softly while the teary man just stared at me as if he was asking me _why?_ It felt like a blanket of guilt was suffocating me, I've always hated to see the poor boy cry. To feel even an ounce of pain. I didn't know that he was going to react like this, I thought he hated me after that kiss I had with Amy but I was clearly mistaken.

I lifted my head a little to see that he had used his dark grey jacket to put pressure onto my throbbing wound, to keep me alive. It was pretty much my life-support machine at this point.

"Don't move!" the frantic nurse ordered me, half-concerned and half-angrily. "You've lost a lot of blood"

"I-I'm so sorry" I informed him in such a quiet whisper but he didn't answer back. He just gazed at me, expressionless for a moment while still pressing down hard on my wound before shaking his head in disappointment. It had been a while since I saw him so distressed and I often took the mick out of him for it, but this time I just wanted to put a smile on his face and take it all away.

"Stay with me buddy" he muttered under his breath and took hold of my hand, that immediately forced me to regret what I had done to myself. I thought he'd be a little upset, but not like this.

Then, the darkness took over once more.

**A/N: Sorry for the depressing content! I promise the next chapter will be better and more fluffier!**


	2. The Aftermath

**A/N:**** Please keep in mind that I'm currently in the middle of a HUGE writers block, but I wanted to get the second chapter completed as soon as possible. I'd better mention that this chapter may also be triggering, sweary and very angsty and quite OOC. You've been warned!**

* * *

Chapter 2: The Aftermath

Have you ever experienced having to choose the lesser of two evils? Finding it impossible to decide to do one terrible thing over another, and knowing that no matter which thing you do, you'll always be seen as a selfish individual?

Black. Opaque. Selfish. The three words that come racing through my mind each and every day. Black because it symbolizes my crippling depression. Opaque because I cannot see any light, no way out whatsoever. Selfish because of my situation. Yes, the "lesser of two evils" situation. Like I've stated before, everybody I've ever loved is dead, or has had their memories wiped out. I cannot let this happen to Amy and Rory, no, I've ruined enough lives already and it's hard enough with trying to help myself with my depression alone. If I tell them that they won't be able to travel with me anymore, we all know that Amy will refuse to even step one foot out of the TARDIS, and if Amy disagrees with my order it's pretty darn obvious which Centurion will stand by her and her decision. So I decided that there was one other option: **Death**.

Just a few moments ago, I tried to end it all. Wait...How long has it even been? It's really hard to tell when you're currently having a near-death experience, close to losing your life and all. I guess I just lost track of time...You'd think if you lived in the TARDIS, a bloody time-travelling device for over 900 years then you'd have a little more knowledge about this 'time' stuff wouldn't you?

The only thing I feel-no, the only thing I want to feel just to make sure I'm still alive-is my stinging, blooded wrist.

The last thing I remember seeing before I passed out was the look on Rory's tearful face, the hurt in his voice as the life was rapidly draining from my body and feeling an instant regret in what I had done. That one look of pain, anger and confusion, as if to ask me _why? _had forced me to beg my subconscious to take it all back. To forget my decision. Hell, if I'd known how Rory would react in the first place I honestly would have reconsidered beforehand, I don't want to go. I know it sound so stupid but I just want one last time with the man who spared my life. I wanted his palm on my cheek once more whispering, reassuring me that everything's going to be alright, even if that wasn't true. Damn it Rory! Damn it...

_"Don't move!"_

_"You've lost a lot of blood."_

_"Stay with me buddy."_

I somehow managed to mutter these words, and those twelve words were the words that previously slipped out of Rory's mouth before I passed out, while still unconscious.

"Rory..." I breathed, feeling myself slip further and further away, or so I thought.

I imagined this as thee last word I ever spoke, my final breath before I finally died and my body was put to rest...

"Come to bed dear, he'll be fine in the morning."

"Ah, but you don't know that exactly do you?"

Voices. There are voices in the darkness. Voices that are in the darkness somewhere. Voices that are unfamiliar to me. I hears them so clearly, but I can't locate where the voices are coming from.

"I give up, I'll be in _our _bed if you need me- Which you probably won't."

That was followed by the sound of footsteps getting quieter and quieter before disappearing completely, then all fell silent.

I'm waking up.

My wrist hurts like hell.

Where the hell were them voices coming from? I gently lifted my heavy eyelids open. A bright, white light above me forced me to shut them again and I gritted my teeth. While I'm aware that the painful light will hurt me again, I have no choice.

I rapidly opened up my eyelids before repeatedly blinking, trying to focus on my blurred vision. It takes a few seconds of constant blinking until I am finally able to see things clearly and unlike before, I found myself not lying on the cold, TARDIS floor, but on top of a large, cushy bed.

In a bed, covered with a blanket.

Amy and Rory's bed.

In their room with pale white walls.

"Doctor!" A familiar voice startled me. I turned my head to the side to a little to see a the man I've traveled with countless times before beside me, but it takes a minute to realize who he is.

There he was.

Rory.

I saw him, sat uncomfortably on a hard wooden chair with his legs tight together, his hair all messy,

"Doctor?" He said gently. For the time being, I was terrified to respond.

I simply nodded. Rory looked like an absolute train-wreck, tear-trails stained his reddened cheeks and he looked like he hadn't slept in months. The welling up of the Roman's emerald-green eyes made them look shiny, you could tell he had trouble holding his tears back, and to be honest, it broke my heart to see him this way. So internally shattered, like fragile broken glass. The poor Rory, dear sweet Rory.

_My Rory_.

As soon as I shook that last absurd thought away I realized that I owed him an explanation, and a pretty darn good one for that matter.

"R-Rory." I managed to stutter. Oh God, what the hell do I say now?

Before I even had the chance to, he was gone.

* * *

Three weeks went by, since then, not once did the Ponds and I speak about the incident. We spent those three weeks, them long, tiring twenty one days wandering around the TARDIS like lost zombies, exchanging expressionless glances and barely speaking a word to each other, unless we needed to.

It seemed like Amy has doing her best to shun me, I guess it's because she's angry with me, ashamed of me because it turns out that I'm not exactly the lovable, fearless Time Lord I make myself out to be. The closest I've ever come to a real apology was exactly one week ago, I wanted to make it up to her. Her judgement was deeply troubling me. I thought that I'd be nice if I started off my making her a simple cup of tea. I knew she was sat down in the control room, doing her little crossword puzzle at the time. I accidentally tripped and dropped her 'Worlds Greatest Wife' mug that Rory had given her for one of her rather uneventful birthdays and it had shattered into a million tiny pieces, because of me!

_"I'm so sorry." I stated apologetically I began to pick up the pieces one by one, causing multiple tiny cuts to form on the palms of my hands. I knew for a fact that I had just made matters worse, and I hate myself for that._

_"Are you though?"_

_I lifted my head from the floor and watched the orange-haired human walk slowly out of the control room, ashamed to even look back at me. Ashamed of me, to even breathe the same air as me. I screamed internally as my mood decreased even more and my level of frustration increased, tears welling up once more. _

_I looked back down at the shattered multicolored mug and the small puddle of tea and my stinging blooded palms. For some reason the slight sting is the only thing calming me down, that confused me. It intrigued me._

_Who knew that in one weeks time I'd have scratches so similar to those ones all over my body?_

Rory however, well this is a different see, he _knows_ how bad I made him feel by doing what I did, and he _knows_ that I won't ever try to do it ever again. It's basically one of them situations where somebody is so ashamed of something terrible you've done that they pretend it never happened, they avoid talking about it, and worse of all: They avoid **you**.

_"Can we talk?" I asked the green-eyed man hopefully, while gently grabbing his wrist._

_The last centurion sighed, looked at me like I'm a disgrace and pulled his wrist free from my grasp._

_"Not right now, I promised Amy that I'd help her out with something."_

_Liar._

_You fucking liar._

_You use that same excuse. Every goddamn time!_

I hate him.

No, that's not exactly true. Quite the opposite actually.

Just then, the sound of footsteps startled me out of those thoughts. I'm now aware of the fact that I've been sitting at the edge of the TARDIS' deep, sapphire-blue pool for quite a while now, thinking things through. Might I add that I don't intend to jump in?

I turned around slowly and saw him, Rory. Standing a few feet away from me, expressionless.

Rory Williams.

Mr Pond.

"Amy's gone to bed, I couldn't sleep so I just thought I'd see how you were."

_Well it's about time!_

These were the first words he'd spoken to me in weeks. I'd imagined that if he ever stopped evading me then I'd be relieved, but I'm not. For some reason now, I want him to leave me alone. The only reason why I've stayed alive since my attempt is for him, now I'm beginning to wonder why.

"Don't even bother."

"Look, I'm sorry right? I did a stupid, stupid thing an-"

"Damn right you did." I began, scrunching my face up like a ball of paper, letting every single droplet of anger I've been wanting to express out in the open. "I know what I did was stupid, really stupid. But for the past three weeks I've been trying to tell you _why_ I did it, I want to give you a real explanation and get it out in the open because...Well lets face it, you deserve one-but I can't exactly do that when you're acting like I'm fucking invisible to you, and we both know that Amy's been treating me like I've just killed someone, and countless times you've just watched and let that happen. Now, tell me, _tell me _what possible reason you have for this or else I swear to God you're going to regret it!"

During my rant, his eyes had widened in shock. I don't blame him though, it's not every day you see one of your closest friends, who normally acts all upbeat, giddy and quirky so broken, so angry, showing his true self.

"Because it'd kill me." How cheesy, typical Rory.

"Oh, what beautiful luke-warm sentiment."

"No, it's true!"

I rolled my eyes and pretended I wasn't the slightest bit interested.

"You see, seeing someone I care about so close to death I... I'm a Nurse, I've seen people die every day. I've had to tell their friends and families that they'll never see their loved ones again, and I've never considered what it's actually like to be in that situation for them. But seeing you in your darkest hour, so weak, so pale made me realize what it's like for them."

He took a deep breath before continuing.

"I had your whole life in my hands, I had 907 years in my hands and by the time I got to you and by the time I'd gotten to you, how far you'd gone it was just pure look that you survived. After I saved you, I waited twenty hours until you woke up just in case something happened to you and after you actually did wake up I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle hearing your explanation, that's why I avoided you like that. I couldn't bear to know what horrible things you've been though, what pain, and all the people you've lost in your life because believe me, _that _would kill me for sure."

I don't realize that I'm bawling like a baby, I can't realize. Maybe because I don't want him to see me cry so badly, to see me so emotionally weak that I don't even notice it for now. _Damn it Rory, damn it. Why do you humans have to be so sentimental?_

At that moment I let him lean in for a warm hug and finally gave me the support I've been needing all these years, I finally felt something good, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I let him wrap his long, slender arms around my body and I did the same for him, every second of it brought me closer and closer to melting every trace of hatred towars him out of my mind. I comfortably rested my head on his shoulder, but when it seemed appropriate of course

It's not as awkward as I expected it to be, it was actually relieving. It's not an angry hug, it's like our way of saying _sorry _to each other, since neither of us are the best at apologies.

It wasn't like hugging Amy.

Or Jack.

Not even Rose...

"You once told me that sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles." He remembered my words to him, whispering them carefully into my right ear.

"And that's the theory." I recalled myself saying when I found that Rory was still alive after being erased from history.

Ah, nostalgia.

"Yes, just...You being alive does it for me ."

His speech left me grinning like a Cheshire cat, my eyes are incredibly sore from the tears. I softly nuzzled his neck, he let me and for minutes, I continued to embrace the warmth of the hug, but like all good things it came to an end.

We pulled away, both of us feeling better than I did at the beginning of the day, or the year in fact.

"You should...Erm, I mean just in case Amy sees you're gone."

Rory nodded weakly, biting his lip.

Just then, I lean forward and place my lips on his soft, left baby cheek. Just for a moment. Only for a second until I pulled back, noticed that we were both blushing like two smitten school girls and I watched the brunette amble away, out of the room.

As much as I don't want to admit it, I needed that. I need more from the man I loathed just a few minutes ago.

I can't afford to mess up what we have. It's everything to me, too precious, too big, and I can't just blow it on just some stupid impulse...

* * *

**A/N:**** Ugh. My first attempt of writing fluff. I hope you enjoyed anyways. Please review though. x **


End file.
